Today, anybody can be an artist and anything can be art. It's all about labels. Tomorrow, things will be different. You will probably be very out of fashion.

So jump on the bandwagon now and start following contemporary art. That's what is great about having loads of time on your hands as the citizen of a First World nation.

In the same way that some people will pay a fortune for a musty old cardigan if they can be convinced that it is retro chic, others will happily blow $5 million dollars on a can of Sprunk if a so-called expert tells them that it is a masterpiece of ironic commentary on mass-produced society.

It's all about the world's greatest idea ever - postmodernism. Postmodernism means everything is a metaphor. And the result is, you just have to say what anything is a metaphor of, take a picture of it, and then call yourself an artist.

The trick is to create something that is too bizarre or baffling for the common herd to comprehend. For this reason, critics agree some of the best artists are dogs. Critics know that they, and only they, have an eye for a powerful aesthetic.

Art involves intense introspection and a rejection of self. Art is a journey to a higher plane of meaning and understanding, and that higher plane is called Rich and Stupid. It's about deconstructing the work and rebuilding it within a metaphysical framework.

As our minds tangle with the tortured psyche of a drug-addled artist, we begin to uncover new truths about our own existence... that we may only exist in a virtual world run by a megalomaniac.